Results 1 to 4 of 4

Thread: Jose Bautista suspended, just to be safe

  1. #1
    Administrator HollywoodLeo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Hot Springs, Arkansas, United States
    Posts
    33,336
    MLB ERA
    3.97

    Blue Jays Jose Bautista suspended, just to be safe

    MLB Suspends Jose Bautista Just To Be Safe

    Major League Baseball informed Toronto Blue Jays third baseman Jose Bautista today that he is being suspended for 50 games under under the drug code provision that allows the commissioner to suspend anyone who everyone thinks is using steroids.

    “In Jose’s defense, he has never failed a drug test,” said commissioner Bud Selig. “On the other hand, last year at age 29 he suddenly transformed from an established turd of a player with middling home run ability into the most dominating power force the sport has seen in a decade. Sooooooooo … yeah.”

    Bautista maintains his innocence and says he will appeal the suspension. But there is very little he can do. According to Selig, an anonymous poll was taken of everyone in baseball — players, coaches, front office executives and fans — and 100-percent said they believe Bautista is definitely using something, a unanimous result which triggers the allowance for suspension.

    According to one player who asked to remain anonymous, he has heard rumors that Bautista is a deformed tumor that grew off of one of Barry Bonds’ pec muscles, was surgically removed, incubated for a year, and then placed into the middle of Toronto’s lineup.

    “It seems unlikely, I suppose,” said the player. “But where else did he come from? The Pirates? That’s absolutely ridiculous.”

    Selig says Bautista’s suspension will be lifted as soon he discloses the details of the new, undetectable steroid he is obviously taking.

    “The ball is in his court,” said Selig. “He either has to come clean or promise to go back to hitting .235 with no more than 16 home runs.”

    The U.S. government is also planning to charge Bautista as soon as they can think up something that might have a remote chance of sticking, which they will then pursue to the failed end, no matter how many millions the case costs.
    LeagueTeamyearsRecordWild CardDivisionPennantsTitles
    MSLSan Diego Padres2034-20592,217-1,9951631
    TBLArizona Diamondbacks2005-20181,216-1,0531963
    TSSLSan Diego Padres2015-2021, 2024-20281,017-9280732
    TSSLTexas Rangers2029-2033396-4140000

  2. #2
    Hero ball. Kingdom's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    My office.
    Posts
    56,041
    MLB ERA
    6.85
    Blog Entries
    61

    Re: Jose Bautista suspended, just to be safe

    May Fools!
    Marshall: MILSWANCAs?
    Ted
    : Wait, I can get this. Mothers I'd like to sleep with and never call again.
    Barney: Circle gets the square!

    The 2074 MSL NL Gold Glove Recipient at Third Base.

  3. #3
    Future PGA Tour Golfer DirtyKash's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Montreal
    Posts
    13,057
    MLB ERA
    1.63
    Blog Entries
    14

    Re: Jose Bautista suspended, just to be safe

    Being Bud Selig, there's always a little smidge of possibility that this could be real. Bud is capable of pulling off these kinds of shenanigans.


  4. #4
    Guess Who's Back missionhockey21's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Posts
    18,014
    MLB ERA
    1.56
    Blog Entries
    8

    Re: Jose Bautista suspended, just to be safe

    Love the title of the article.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •