You know, baseball is a pretty interesting game. There's a lot of terminology, rules, and history you have to be familiar with to fully appreciate "America's Favorite Pastime". But with baseball's terminology, a brave batch of college students (most likely) derived The Guide to the Bases of Sex. But this terminology is loosely used and taken advantage of amongst friends, drunks, and the hopeless. With this post, I hope to cement the terminology of The Bases of Sex for the wonderful readers of Epic Carnival so that we can become a better, sexual community. Righteous. Oh, and by the way, ladies... this isn't just for guys. You too are playing this wonderful game as well.
Let's start with the basics (these should be self explanatory):
On Deck - You've got a date set up or at least plan for a date.
Strike-Out - Your attempt to get on base, was unsuccessful. If you hadn't known that until now, I'm going to *****-slap you via broadband.
Walk - Kissing. Weak-sauce.
Bunt - Masturbation. Pretty much the worst way to get on base.
Single - Kissing with some tongue / Making out
Double - Maybe a little grab ass, some breast fondling, take a few articles of clothes off, or some mild grabbing and touching
Triple - Most of the clothes come off and there's some sort of contact with the... uhh... "goods".
Inside the Park Home Run - Any sort of oral sex
Home Run - Yay! Intercourse! Woo-hoo! Round the bases kid!
Ground-rule Double - You would've had sex had some sort of protection been involved (condom, spermicide)
Error - Your condom breaks during intercourse.
Banned for Life for Gambling or "Pulling a Pete Rose" - Sex without a condom
Hall of Fame - Marriage. You're most likely never going to pick up the ball and bat again, atleast not outside of your home field, so you're retired.
Now that you've got the basics, let's get into more complicated terms:
Play Ball - The girl/guy shows up
Field - The whole body
Equipment - Particular body parts
Ballpark - Location
Line-up - Where you and your date are going, what's on the schedule, your approach
Pre-Game Warm Up - Showering, cologne, deodorant, getting your "smell good" on
Mowing the Grass - Shaving
Lining the Field - Getting your hair done, (make up for girls)
Uniforms - Your clothes
Balk - Premature ejaculation
RBI - How many times she/he orgasmed during intercourse
Pine Tar - KY Jelly
Relief Pitcher - Vibrator
Rain Delay - Parents/Roommates unexpectedly return home.
Extra Innings - Intercourse twice
Box Seats - Waterbed
Innings - The amount of time/hours that are passing on your date or intercourse
Seventh Inning Stretch - Trying out unusual positions
Rally - Trying to pick up the pace or striving for extra bases
Dead Ball - Blue Balls/Passion Cramps
Rookie - Virgin on the field!
Minor Leagues - Under 18 (c'mon man, you're a Major Leaguer by now!)
Runners on the Corners - Menage a trois
Loaded Bases - Orgy
Grand Slam - Intercourse three times in a span of six hours
Foul Tip - Venereal Disease
Three up and Three down - Impotency
Batting Glove - Sexual Aide