A Lighter Note

[Wally Mo Pena]

The Following Comments are Made In Jest. The Stats are Real, Names Have Been Changed to Protect The Innocent

An idea jumped into my head the other day while I was watching a Reds game, and it went something like: “Damn those are some ugly uniforms. Maybe they could win some games if they got some self-respect and stopped wearing those ridiculous vests!” Hmmm…. I thought, hmmm indeed. A theory was forming. Could it be that the reds woes have less to do with talent and management, and are actually related to a pronounced lack of mirrors in the clubhouse? I mean vests! Who came up with this madness?!

Now, mind you, these thoughts are in no way a reflection of my opinion of the great vest wearers around the world. There are lots of happy vesters out there who are successful at all sorts of high pressure pursuits, like competitive button collecting, or eating at restaurants.



But on the baseball field, does the vest really convey that winning attitude that makes a good team great? Or does it make the boys of summer look like they're on their way to a high school prom that they certainly shouldn't be attending? I thought the latter and decided to investigate the teams that regularly wear vests instead of well-sleeved uni’s, to see if the players suffered from their club’s fashion faux pas.

Some teams wear vests occasionally - most likely as a sign of solidarity for their sleeveless coworkers, these are union boys don’t forget - and are left out of these discussions. The teams identified as full blown vestites are:

The Devil Rays,
The Diamondbacks
The Indians
The Pirates
The Rockies
The Reds, and
The Royals.

Notice anything fishy yet? What should be as glaring as white with red pinstripes, is that you have four of the six last place teams in the majors, in a seven team sample.

The odds of selecting 4 last place teams out of 7 randomly? 200 to 1. Could still be a function of chance, sure. But why would I have written this whole article about it if it was a coincidence? Think about that for a minute.

As of this writing, these downtrodden bevested hangdogs of the majors were a collective 206 up and 292 down, good for a .414 winning percentage and a combined 103.5 games out of first place. That’s really really bad. Man, these teams are awful. If all of these teams were a single team named the Vests, with that winning percentage they'd be in last place in every division, except the ones that they’re already in last place in. That’s so sneaky of them.

Realizing that vests have been the elephant in the clubhouse for too long, the missing variable, the thing that VORP and RCAP and all the other new metrics forgot about, I got a steely look on my face. “Well not this time” I said menacingly to myself. Not this time indeed.

Deeper into the numbers I plunged, and I was shocked to find that these teams actually manage to score runs. In fact they are every bit as good at scoring runs as their mercifully sleeved counterparts. Not believing my own calculations, I talked to Reds slugger Adam Dunn, who said “The bigger the homer, the bigger the swing. The bigger the swing, the bigger the, um… non-sleeve. Or something like that, Griffey told it to me once and it sounded good.” This sentiment was echoed by Arizona third sacker Troy Glaus who claimed that he actually learned to hit curveballs in a tuxedo, and by ex-vester Carlos Beltran who said “Who are you?”

So where is all the badness? They had it there somewhere, lurking in a deep vest pocket like a ne’er-do-well’s monacle, but where? I nearly succumb to frustration, and then I thought of Eric Milton. Poor innocent Eric Milton, historically a well sleeved and successful major league pitcher, now stripped of his traditional bicep coverings and on pace to be the worst starting pitcher in baseball history. Seriously. The pitchers, Of course!! It’s so obvious. My eyes are an idiot for not seeing it sooner.

The Vests pitching staff would have given up 82 HRs by now, 10 more than the average. Free passes, yeah, they got those too. 30 more than average. Opponents OPS? A robust .799, 50 points higher than average. Click, click, clickity click - the pieces all come together.

Speaking under the condition of anonymity, one major league coach said “You know, for the hurlers, it was never Roids like people said. Guys like Canseco hit the juice or HGH or whatever, but for the guys on the hill, it was Sleeves. Everybody knew about it but no one was willing to blow the whistle. You’d see John Patterson doing his bullpens in jumpsuits, or guys in bathroom stalls cutting sleeves off of old uniforms to wear at night. It was sad, but you couldn’t argue with the success. Guys were winning on sleeves, and nothing gets people to look the other way like a big fat W. [uncomfortable pause] A fat one.”


Some have suggested Pedro's dominance is due in part to his career long use of sleeves

And there it was. As I suspected from the very first, those with sleeves are playing with an unfair advantage. It’s time to clean up this games image, literally. There is something dirty about the image of a man wearing a tucked in vest, and I for one say “No More!” Lets level the playing field, and make America’s game popular with the kids again people. It’s a scientific fact, kids hate vests unless they’re dressing up like cowboys. I’ll take it straight to capitol hill if I have to.

[Steak]

It seems nowadays everyone has different colors of uniforms at every game. I don't like it. It started with the Diamondbacks in their inagural year in 1998 and now every team is doing the same. The only team that has not done that is the Yankees and they should be commended for it.

[missionhockey21]

Just plain hilarious Wally. Awesome piece! Whether your team wears a vest or not, winning or losing, it's always great to laugh. I know I enjoyed the humor in it. I also appreciated how you include some stats with the humor; it really helped to complete it.

Speaking under the condition of anonymity, one major league coach said “You know, for the hurlers, it was never Roids like people said. Guys like Canseco hit the juice or HGH or whatever, but for the guys on the hill, it was Sleeves. Everybody knew about it but no one was willing to blow the whistle. You’d see John Patterson doing his bullpens in jumpsuits, or guys in bathroom stalls cutting sleeves off of old uniforms to wear at night. It was sad, but you couldn’t argue with the success. Guys were winning on sleeves, and nothing gets people to look the other way like a big fat W. A fat one.”

Thanks for the article Wally.

[Providence A's]

I think teams prefer "sleeveless jersey" instead of "vest"...especially since the jerseys don't have the v-neck going on like the vest that dude is wearing

[redsrbetter]

Wally, you are insane! Did you really speak to Dunn about this? This was a really nice piece and was something that I would have never thought about. With how hilarious it is, I think it could be looked at as some kind of conspiracy.

Could it be that the seven teams listed are those who have the smaller payrolls and therefore do not throw out the added cost of sleeves? LOL, I doubt it really cost more, but it could be another way of looking at it.

Great write up Wally, once again you have impressed all of us!

[missionhockey21]

Now I could of missed a game but from a quick glance I discovered that when the Reds do wear sleeves (their alternative jersey worn on Sundays at home) they are 4-2.

Say what you will, but sleeves wins ballgames.

[Wally Mo Pena]

not to take this discussion in too serious of a direction, but don't you think the reds would look way classier if they wore uni's just like the one pictured above, but with red lines on a white jersey instead of black on a red jersey? Simple, tasteful, like the tigers except red. you know what my first move as GM would be.

[redsrbetter]

I'd like it. Sleeves DanO, sleeves!