Hello, baseball fans.
I wanted to write a letter to some of you and explain my All-Star selections. I know some people are puzzled at a few of my snubs and selections. But let me remind you I am a world champion manager and therefore I am not to be questioned. That being said, let me go ahead and talk to you folks.
A lot of people have been wondering why Joey Votto isn’t on the team. I keep hearing about how he leads the National League in OPS. To that I have a few replies. First of all, it’s only the National League. Did you know there’s a whole other league in baseball? Bet you he doesn’t lead that one. Secondly, what is an OPS? Truthfully I’m not sure what it is, but I think Omar Infante has a few more opses than Joey does. Third, I don’t know how to pronounce his last name. Just being honest.
Now I ask you this, who in the world can you replace on the team? You wanna take off another Red? I had to pick Arthur Rhodes – did you know he’s never made an All-Star team? I mean, we’re talking about Arthur Rhodes, people! I had to stop this injustice. You want me to take off another first baseman? I had to pick Ryan Howard – sure, he’s got four less home runs and he’s batting twenty points lower than Joey – but how many World Series rings does Joey Votto have? That’s what I thought.
I know there are other selections people are upset about. Why did Evan Meek make the team over Andrew McCutchen? Well to be honest, I was reading the Bible the other day and it said “the Meek shall inherit the Earth.” So I got no other good reason for that. And everyone keeps complaining about Omar Infante. He’s got one home run, he doesn’t drive in runs, he doesn’t have speed, his OPB and his SGL, whatever they are, aren’t high enough, he doesn’t start on his own team. I hear all that and I say to you this. Remember when we had that tie, back in 1991? Or 2002, I can’t remember. Teams were runnin’ out of players. They needed guys to play a position. Well you know what position Omar Infante plays? EVERY position. So we could just put a one man team of him in the field. Although I guess we still need a pitcher. And a catcher wouldn’t be a terrible idea.
Trust me people, I hear the gripes. San Diego leads the league in ERA and they don’t have a pitcher on the team. We tried to put Matt Latos on. But apparently he only has one T in his name so they didn’t know who I was talking about. And we got Heathcliffe Slocumb on the last other ballot thing. So pick him too, and Joey Votto! You can stop your whinin’ and vote both of ‘em in.
But seriously – why am I wasting my time explaining all of this to you? After all, you guys voted in Yadier Molina.
Sincerely, Charlie Manuel