2007: A Baseball Oddity

With the 2007 MLB season soon upon us, nobody quite knows what to expect. Well, here’s your chance to find out…


April 1st: Carlos Delgado sings the National Anthem as the Mets and Cardinals open it up from St. Louis.

April 2nd: Johan Santana’s first start of the season. Fantasy owners everywhere rejoice.

April 6th: Josh Hamilton hits 4 HRs for the Reds in a 12-0 win over the Pirates. Kyle Lohse throws a complete game shutout.

April 7th: Hamilton is benched and Lohse is optioned to AAA by Reds manager Jerry Narron.

April 15th: The Royals beat the Orioles for their first win of the season. Zach Greinke throws a one-hitter with twelve strikeouts.

April 16th: Zach Greinke leaves the team for personal reasons and is not heard of the rest of the year.

April 24th: The Yankees lose their first game of the year to the Devil Rays behind Carl Pavano giving up 8 runs in 1 1/3 IP. Despite his 2-HR performance, Yankees fans blame A-Rod.

May 1st: Commissioner Bud Selig reveals to the media that he is resigning from the job and being replaced by Pete Rose. After stunned looks, he exclaims to the crowd “April Fools!”

May 2nd: Selig calls a press conference to apologize, as he failed to realize it was actually not April, and April Fool’s Day was at the beginning of last month. Pete Rose wins $30,000 in Vegas as a result.

May 5th: Alfonso Soriano breaks his arm running into the outfield wall at Wrigley Field and is out for the season.

May 7th: Barry Bonds is seen injecting a needle with the words “flaxseed oil” written in Sharpie marker into his arm before a game with the Mets. After Bonds hits 3 HRs, he attributes it to being hated by the media.

May 10th: Daisuke Matsuzaka throws 250 pitches in a 13-inning win over the Blue Jays. He then gets into a shouting match with Terry Francona after the manager tries to give him an ice bag after the game.

May 12th: Billy Beane declines a proposed trade of Bobby Crosby for Miguel Tejada, claiming Tejada’s OBP, OPS, VORP, range factor, and WTFAREALLTHESESTATSSUPPOSEDTOMEAN not high enough.

May 16th: Sammy Sosa earns his master’s degree in teaching English.

May 17th: Sosa forgets the entire language when asked if he has ever taken steroids.

May 25th: George Steinbrenner faints when somebody tells him that Carl Pavano is still healthy. Yankees fans blame it on A-Rod.

May 28th: Johan Santana loses his first game of the season, 1-0 to the White Sox. Santana’s loss total now equals the win total of the other four pitchers in the Twins rotation.

May 29th: The Tigers call up a good young pitcher. A collective yawn goes around the league.

June 1st: Chien-Ming Wang strikes out David Ortiz for his first K of the season after 17,000 ground ball outs and 2 flyouts.

June 5th: Despite a 9 game deficit, Jimmy Rollins declares the Phillies the NL East favorite after a 6-5 loss to the Mets, saying “I think we showed we’re better than them tonight. Well, I know we didn’t win but hey…we tried really, really hard.”

June 8th: Before a Mets-Tigers game, with the almost-World Series-last year hype raging, Albert Pujols apologizes for his comments about how Tom Glavine wasn’t that good last postseason. He states “Well, I guess he’s pretty good for a 40-something year old guy. I mean, he sucks compared to me, but since he’s old enough to be my dad I’ll give him a pass.”

June 9th: Ryan Howard homers against some crappy Royals pitcher.

June 10th: Ryan Howard’s home run ball lands.

June 13th: Randy Johnson returns to Yankee Stadium with the Diamondbacks. 5 home runs, two dead birds, and one photographer left squirming on the ground later, he leaves.

June 15th: The Angels and Dodgers meet with both teams entrenched in last place to everyone’s disbelief. Then everyone realizes Sports Illustrated picked those two teams to make the World Series, therefore they must suck. Angels and Dodgers fans blame A-Rod.

June 24th: Jason Giambi and Barry Bonds hug before the Yankees meet the Giants. Somewhere, Victor Conte smiles.

June 27th: After making a diving catch while robbing Nationals 1B Nick Johnson of a hit, Braves CF Andruw Jones requests a trade to the AL so he can DH. “I’m sick of trying so hard out there all the time!” he angrily yells to the media.

June 28th: Braves closer Bob Wickman eats his 129th cheeseburger of the season, breaking Rich Garces’s 2001 record of 128 in the first half. Babe Ruth’s family scoffs, claiming Ruth ate that many hot dogs on a good day.

[BREAK=Part 2]

July 1st: With his team mired in last place, Alfonso Soriano attempts a dramatic comeback to the Cubs. However, he is stricken with a concussion when Ben Sheets drills him in the head on the first pitch he sees. Sheets goes on to strike out 18 Cubs in a 17-0 win. Lou Piniella sets a new MLB single-game record for throwing all 4 bases at the same time into his dugout.

July 4th: George Steinbrenner is released from the hospital on his birthday, in time to see Carl Pavano strike out 13 in a 6-1 win against the Twins. Pavano is now 10-1 on the year, and Yankees fans blame A-Rod for Pavano not being 11-0.

July 5th: Aaron Harang picks up his major league-leading 11th win against the Giants. However, he is overshadowed by the Royals not losing that day. They also didn’t have a game.

July 10th: Before the All-Star game, the two starting pitchers, Carl Pavano and Kerry Wood, meet on the field to shake hands. They somehow collide with each other and suffer various injuries causing them to miss the remainder of the season. Yankees fans blame A-Rod. Cubs fans blame Steve Bartman. The AL wins the game, and in other news, the Earth continues to spin on its axis.

July 14th: Roger Clemens decides to come out of retirement and sign with the Yankees for $21 million dollars. He immediately hugs Andy Pettitte.

July 17th: Team trainers finally break up the two from hugging.

July 20th: The home run chase continues to heat up – Albert Pujols hits his 40th, Ryan Howard hits his 41st, and Sammy Sosa hits his 42nd.

July 23rd: The Marlins nearly sign starting pitcher Danny Almonte, but back out at the last minute because of concerns over his age.

July 31st: Jake Peavy hits the first HR in Petco Park this season when he unexpectedly goes deep off Diamondbacks SP Randy Johnson, the 35th HR Johnson has given up this year.

August 8th: After the Mets beat the Braves and the Marlins beat the Phillies to extend the Mets’ NL East lead to 17 games, Jimmy Rollins says “I think we still got a good shot at winning this division.” Despite the loss, Ryan Howard hits 3 HRs.

August 10th: Manny Ramirez declares he doesn’t feel like playing before a game with the Orioles and is later seen in the stands buying crab cakes.

August 19th: Albert Pujols ties a major league record by hitting 4 HRs off Cubs SP Ted Lilly, dropping Lilly to 2-14 on the year and the Cubs back into last place. Cubs fans blame A-Rod.

August 24th: C.C. Sabathia takes a 250-249 lead in the burger race over Bob Wickman.

August 27th: With their rotation sporting a 7.85 ERA, the Nationals sign SP Mark Fidrych.

September 5th: The Blue Jays beat the Red Sox 4-3 in extra innings to reclaim the AL Wild Card race. Daisuke Matsuzaka complains to the media about being taken out after 150 pitches.

September 8th: Barry Bonds, stuck on 754 HRs for an eternity, goes deep off Chan Ho Park, recently acquired by the Dodgers for #755. Bud Selig is found attempting to hang himself in his office.

September 9th: The government announces they will look into whether or not Bonds used steroids to gain an unfair advantage. In other news, the Sun continues to shine.

September 15th: With the division in hand by 20 games, the Mets fall to the Phillies 6-4, leading Jimmy Rollins to proclaim his team “definite NL favorites.”

September 16th: The Yankees defeat the Red Sox to win the AL East. Yankees fans wonder what took so long and blame A-Rod.

September 30th: The regular season ends when the Rangers clinch the AL West behind Sammy Sosa’s 58th homer. Yankees fans boo A-Rod for losing out on the regular season title 58 to 57. However, this is a moot point because Ryan Howard hit 80. Phillies owners consider moving in the fences even more.