A Kansas-less City Portrait

A Kansas-less City Portrait

I could just end this by saying, who the hell cares about the royals? I don’t blame you for not.. I mean, what have they done in recent memory to even justify even existing in major league baseball? But I do not have to remind a baseball fan the genuinely rich history of the royals. Not to mention they have a loyal fan base. Of course, 99% of that base went back into a closet when they found out Doug Mientkiewicz bats third. Nope, not a typo. Upon watching a Yankees-Royals game a few weeks back, in which hey, the Royals had a chance in every game of the series, only to get blow’d up in the end (and it was mostly because they played like they had the mental capacity of a dying cow, but hey, I’m not discriminating, coulda been a dying frog too), but I nearly fell out of my chair when I saw the batting order for the royals. Even a non-sabermetrician would find that really ****ed up.

“It’s only the first month of the season, I’m not worried.” Mail it in, Kansas City is eliminated from playoff contention and it’s not even May. Okay, what’s good for the royals? There’s bound to be something? Elmer Dessens has been mostly solid out of the pen for them. Elarton has an ERA just over 4, which makes him the ace (an unrealistic but true jump from being the number 5 with Cleveland). They… you know what, this team deserves to be identified as terrifyingly bad only. Make no mistake, bad teams live and breathe each year in every sport. But, let’s figure out a new adjective just for the royals.

I believe their off-season motto was signing marginally talented old guys. Reggie Sanders bounces from world series contender to world series contender to now a mockery. He’ll wish he were in Pittsburgh’s Hell. He’s a great piece to have on a team, but a good team. He’s not a guy to build around. It was a mistake for the cardinals to let Mark Grudz go; he’s got good hands and nice footwork at the second base position and should be a gold glover. He’s also a weak hitter with no power. Hey, that’s still an upgrade over the legendary Carlos Febles. Doug Mientkiewicz IS a gold glover, but literally walks up to the plate without a baseball bat. Forgets his batting gloves too. Face it, their hot corners will be lucky to reach 20 total homeruns (Mark Teahen mostly manning 3B). Maybe I’ll push that total to 21. Mark Redman, who was a pretty bad four guy on the pirates, is something of a supposed two guy in Kansas City. Oh he’s a savior, who started on the DL.

I want to stand by the youth movement, and their farm. Face it, that’s all they have. I can’t imagine a talented free agent really wanting to play there. So, that farm… that youth movement… Jeremy Affeldt is not a starting pitcher. Memo to Peter Gammons, Affeldt is nothing special. Runelvys Hernandes decided to just give up on staying in shape. I hear that’s doing just GREAT for Ken Harvey’s career. Zack Greinke, who has been through well documented “emotional” issues, has been proclaimed the next Tom Glavine or Greg Maddux. As a braves fan, that doesn’t really bother me so much, but, Greinke is more like the next 16 year old who has listened to too many My Chemical Romance or Dashboard Confessional songs and has decided to write too many “my girl left me, woes me woes me, I shall now play with this razor blade and make cuts on my wrist, woes me woes me, I’m so utterly depressed, sob sob” poems. And, I’ll spare the world of talking about the statistical nightmare that is catcher John Buck. Granted there is life in Andy Sisco, Emil Brown (who apparently found that over 30 career finally!), David DeJesus, Shane Costa, and the spelling wonder or how do you pronounce that name wonder.. Ambiorix Burgos. Of course, there's also Mike Sweeney, but right now he could land on the DL after just talking to the media (if the media even realizes KC still has a baseball team) But this organization has been on a death toll with the farm lately. Damon, Beltran, and even Berroa once started out like the NEXT but, two are gone and one is unfortunately still there. Really, the future, Alex Gordon? Justin Huber? Billy Butler? J.P. Howell? Maybe they are the NEXT, or the next Ken Harveys and Miguel Ascencios. And past the farm, will there ever be any real help?

So my response, besides almost fainting upon finding out someone actually lets Doug Mientkiewicz bat third, is that… fire Glass. Fire Baird. Fire Bell. And fire the free agent acquisitions (oh don’t give me that garbage about them needing veteran icons around to help them, shit, they’re worse with them. And you think 29 other teams will let Sanders or Grudz go jobless for the rest of 2006? **** no.). Kansas City had a brief glimpse of a hope several years ago, but, I’m sorry for all the real Royals fans out there, you’re in the Dark Ages and may the God of Baseball bless you with an Albert Pujols-like talent one day. Cause right now, you have 25 man roster that’s shit out of luck.