The MLB ABCs of 2006

This is actually the MLB ABCs of 2006... but uh, heavily NL leaning. The topic explains all! Pretend I suck less than I do for the sake of the article, though

A is for Alou. At age 39, he continues to amaze and hit in spite of his age, starting the season off with a .303/.342/.697 line.

B is for Bonds. His OBP is higher than 18 teams' records as of 8:09 PM EST on 04/20/2006, including the entire AL West, in spite of his .214 batting average.

C is for Church. After having an 0-5 performance in his first game back with three strikeouts, he has hit four homeruns in three games, batting in nine runs, drawing two walks, stealing a base, and getting the Nationals two wins.

D is for Dunn. His two sacrifice flies in fifteen games ties his numbers for the entire 2005 season, and eclipses is totals for 2001 and 2004.

E is for Ensberg. Deciding "screw you guys, I'm not a fluke," he leads the league in batting average and has drawn eleven walks and hit seven homeruns, starting his climb to being one of the best third baseman in the majors.

F is for Franco. Julio has joined the Mets and shown himself to be the most capable clubhouse leader in the majors. Also, he is really old, and I bet he would be a better manager than Willie Randolph.

G is for Gay. I'm looking at you, Piazza. This is also for Garcaparra and Gagne, who suffer two more injuries, and will inevitably insist upon trying to extend their careers despite the impossibilities that lie before them.

H is for Hernandez. Livan has allowed 39 hits, 9 homeruns, 74 total bases, and 20 earned runs this season. He leads the majors in each of those stats. Hooray for futility.

I is for Iguchi. Tadahito made the sickest defensive play I've seen in years; so what if Bengie Molina is slow and any other player would have beaten it out? Iguchi went all Matrix on us, and that's good enough for me.

J is for Julio. Jorge, to be specific, who is Livan Hernandez is Livan Hernandez had velocity and were a reliever, giving up 3 HRs, 8 ER, 12 hits, and 24 total bases... in 5.2 IP.

K is for Preston Wilson, who was hideously shamed, as he struck out five times in five at-bats against the Brewers

L is for Liriano. This is a pity choice, as Francisco is being held out of the rotation in spite of the awful starts Carlos Silva, Kyle Lohse, and Brad Radke have gotten off to, and with Gardenhire at the helm, I don't see it changing.

M is for Martinez. Pedro entered the 200 win club this year. Also, he enraged Jose Guillen, which caused Julio Franco to come out and lay out some sagely advice to the young, fieryy Guillen, which prevented Pedro from getting hit in the face with a baseball bat.

N is for Narron. Jerry Narron is pathetic. I am assuming the reason Reds fans do not rise up and slay him is because they realize he will only be replaced by someone even worse. Scott Hatteberg in the three hole for the win.

O is for Ortiz. Ramon Ortiz. **** Ramon Ortiz. That is all.

P is for Pujols. From 04/15 to 04/18, he hit six homeruns, and drew three walks, posting an OBP of .611 and a SLG of 1.750.

Q is for Qualls. Chad Qualls is the only guy whose last name starts with a Q who is relevant. Shout-out to OOTP shortstop, Omar Quintanilla, however, who is getting his shot this season with the Colorado Rockies.

R is for Reitsma. Chris, in spite of his poor pitching so far, is 4/5 on saves. Someone explain to me how.

S is for Suck. This is what the Florida Marlins have done. Can't say I'm shocked, what with the deadly mid-rotation trio of Mitre-Moehler-Vargas.

T is for Thomson. John Thomson is now on a streak of 11 straight innings pitched as a starter without giving up an earned run.

U is for Uggla. Do you know what he looks like? I have no clue, and neither do ESPN, CBS, or Yahoo, judging by his complete lack of a profile picture on them.

V is for Villereal. The Atlanta reliever leads the league in wins with four. He earned four of his team's first five wins, being the first pitcher to do it since 1918.

W is for Wright. David made three errors in one game for the New York Mets, setting a new franchise record. Pssh, and people call this guy good.

X is for Xavier. Nady is the man. Remember when he got dealt straight up for Mike Cameron? Hahahaha.

Y is for You. Add your own here!

Z is for Zambrano. Victor, in his typical fashion, has begun the year by walking six batters in ten innings. In a game against the Atlanta Braves, he gave up seven runs - all seven of them were scored with two outs.

This article was weak. I stink. At least I can outpitch Jorge Julio, Livan Hernandez and Victor Zambrano.