2008: Another Baseball Oddity

The art of predicting baseball is a difficult one. Who could have foreseen the clutch play of Alex Rodriguez, the dominance of Hideki Okajima, or Colorado’s spectacular run to the World Series in the 2007 preseason? With that thought in mind, let me enlighten you with 2008’s fearless forecast! (DISCLAIMER: If any of these predictions are wrong, blame A-Rod.)

March 25th: The Red Sox and A’s start off the season in Japan. Postgame riots carry on for days after manager Terry Francona pulls Daisuke Matsuzaka after a mere 8 innings and refuses to let Hideki Okajima close out the victory.

March 26th: Rich Harden pitches an injury-free 6 innings in Oakland’s win. In other news, the Sun refuses to rise for a day.

March 30th: After a shutout victory over the Nationals, Braves pitcher Tom Glavine is seen laughing while burning a Mets flag in his locker.

March 31st: The Cardinals officially kick things off by making Juan Gonzalez the ceremional first DL entry. In other news, Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria says he is “very pleased” with an Opening Day attendance of 600, although 72 of the fans are from a neighboring Girl Scout troop. Johan Santana leads the Mets to victory by pitching a 17-K shutout and hitting 2 home runs.

April 1st: The Giants wonder where Barry Bonds is and forget to send a #3 batter to the plate against the Dodgers.

April 2nd: Brian Sabean informs the team that Bonds was not re-signed and the team has no intention of re-signing him.

April 3rd: The Giants re-sign Bonds to a 1-year, $72 million contract despite being the only team bidding for his services.

April 6th: The Rays and Yankees get into a brawl when Chien-Ming Wang throws a strike on the inside corner, but Cliff Floyd deems the pitch too far inside.

April 8th: The undefeated Phillies rough up the Mets 10-3. Carlos Beltran goes 0-4 with 3 strikeouts and drops a routine fly ball, but all he can say after the game is “we’re still the team to beat in the NL East. JIMMY ROLLINS IS A PUNK!!! MATT HOLLIDAY SHOULD HAVE WON MVP!!!”

April 11th: The first Yankees-Red Sox game of the year. Among the 2,304 media credentials issued to the game are CNN, Fox News, and VH1 Classic. Emeril Lagasse and Rachel Ray do the play-by-play for the Food Network.

April 13th: Kerry Wood hurts his toe playing catch in the bullpen during a Cubs game. Carl Pavano suffers a broken ribcage laughing at the injury from his home couch.

April 18th: The Orioles beat the Blue Jays for their first win of the season. Adam Jones hits 2 HRs and makes 3 diving catches in the outfield.
April 19th: Peter Angelos gives the go-ahead on a trade of Adam Jones back to the Mariners for Richie Sexson.

April 24th: The Royals move into first place in the AL Central after a sweep of the Indians.

April 25th: The baseball gods finally wake up.

April 26th: The universe is restored to order when the Royals lose a quadruple header to the Indians, Tigers, Nationals, and Toledo Mud Hens.

May 1st: Homer Bailey’s right arm falls off. Dusty Baker says he is not concerned.

May 3rd: The Pirates and Nationals play an exciting 11-inning thriller, but the game is cut from SportsCenter’s highlights in favor of Barry Bonds’ first game with the Giants. He doesn’t play. Pedro Gomez is later found banging his head against a wall for seven hours straight.

May 6th: Jose Canseco’s new book comes out, in which he accuses Roger Clemens of injecting Brian McNamee with HGH. McNamee holds a press conference to refute the accusations, saying “I should have a 3rd ear coming out of my forehead! I should be pulling tractors with my teeth! I thought up these lines all myself!”

May 7th: Congress schedules another congressional hearing to determine if Clemens injected McNamee. Witnesses include both Canseco brothers, Pete Rose, the ghost of Ken Caminiti, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Ricky Williams.

May 12th: Jake Peavy gives up his first run of the season.

May 13th: Johan Santana gives up his first.

May 14th: Mark Prior pitches his 6th consecutive shutout. Somewhere, Dusty Baker is laughing…oh wait, somewhere is Cincinnati.

May 20th: After losing to the Indians, White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen calls C.C. Sabathia a “fat #*$*#@**$**@#*$*#@*$**#@*$**#@$@#*$”.

May 23rd: Miguel Cabrera hits his 25th home run of the year, but also gains his 25th pound, taking a 25-24 lead over Bob Wickman in the “pounds gained” category.

May 28th: Despite an 8 game lead over the Rays in the AL East, Hank Steinbrenner gives Joe Girardi and the Yankees a 2 day deadline to make it 10.

May 30th: The Yankees increase their lead to 9 games. The deadline passes without any action. Johan Santana laughs.

June 1st: Homer Bailey’s left arm falls off. Dusty Baker is not concerned.

June 4th: Prince Fielder hits 3 home runs off Randy Johnson, increasing the Big Unit’s ERA to 10.80 on the season. Fielder attributes the performance to his new vegan lifestyle, and cites his slimmed down 200-pound self as an example. He later films a Nutrisystem commercial with John Kruk.

June 7th: Joe Torre tries to put in Scott Proctor after the righty has already been removed from the game, but in Backyard Baseball style is somehow able to, leading to Proctor’s 60th and 61st appearances of the season.

June 12th: The Rays beat the Angels 6-5 to take the lead in the AL Wild Card race.

June 13th: Bud Selig wonders what happened to the “Devil,” penalizing the Rays 5 games in the standings.

June 16th: Hank Steinbrenner gives MLB a 1-day deadline to eliminate all goods with the term “Red Sox Nation” after the Yankees increase their lead to 15 games over Boston. In other news, Hank begins to sell “YANKEE UNIVERSE” T-Shirts from a lemonade stand in front of his house. Yankees fans blame A-Rod for the poor sales.

June 18th: The Blue Jays overtake the Rays for the AL Wild Card lead.

June 19th: Bud Selig punishes Toronto 5 games in the standings for being in Canada.

June 22nd: The Astros call up Koby Clemens and sign his dad Roger for a day to commemorate the event. The Rocket is roughed up for 8 runs in 2 innings. He sports a gap in his teeth and refuses to answer questions about the tractor in his driveway.

June 30th: Bill Smith declares the Johan Santana trade “a success” after Carlos Gomez catches a routine fly ball capping the Twins’ 8-6 win over the Tigers, saying “Johan wouldn’t have caught that.”

July 1st: Homer Bailey is blinded when Dusty Baker’s nephew throws 2 paper airplanes at him. Baker is not concerned.

July 4th: George Steinbrenner celebrates his birthday by putting himself back in charge and firing his sons from the Yankees.

July 6th: Chone Figgins picks up his first hit against a team not named the Yankees with a single off Roy Halladay, yet still leads the AL in batting average.

July 8th: The Tigers score under 5 runs for the first time all year against Paul Byrd and the Indians. Byrd is immediately named Cy Young.
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July 14th: The All-Star Game kicks off when Ichiro Suzuki skies the first pitch into center field, Steve Bartman makes a diving catch and Bud Selig calls the game a tie. Baseball fans unanimously blame A-Rod.

July 18th: The Nationals set a record for highest arrest/hit ratio by 2 outfielders when Lastings Milledge and Elijah Dukes are found making it rain in a local strip club after a combined 0-for-8 performance.

July 25th: The Rangers lose 3-2 to the A’s, giving up less than 5 runs for the first time all season.

July 28th: The Cubs fall to the Brewers and give up their NL Central lead when Alfonso Soriano is run over by a goat in the outfield.

August 1st: Homer Bailey loses his other 4 senses. Dusty Baker is not concerned.

August 8th: Albert Pujols reveals that he has been playing with not just one injured elbow, but a missing kidney, 2 appendices, a broken foot, ruptured spleen, and concussion all season. He then hits three home runs.

August 10th: Roger Clemens attends a pool party at Jose Canseco’s house.

August 11th: Clemens calls a news conference to announce he didn’t go.

August 12th: CONGRESSIONAL HEARING NUMBER THREE

August 18th: Bengie Molina is thrown out at first on a ball hit into McCovey Cove.

August 20th: Randy Johnson kills another bird, but is overshadowed during a 30-minute delay when the Padres and Diamondbacks try to figure out which Chris Young is which, on “Color and Height Blind” Night in San Diego.

August 22nd: The Rockies clinch the NL West when Matt Holliday hits his 50th HR. However, Jimmy Rollins remains in the MVP lead with 4 home runs and a .265 average.

August 27th: The Mets decide to start their NL East collapse early this year.

August 28th: Joba Chamberlain throws a perfect game against the Red Sox.

September 1st: Through successful surgery, Homer Bailey regains all of his limbs and senses. Dusty Baker is mad that Bailey missed a start and plans to pitch him in 2 consecutive games.

September 10th: ESPN stops analyzing Joba’s perfect game.

September 12th: The Royals take a one-game lead in the division after Alex Gordon’s walkoff home run beats the Indians, despite Grady Sizemore hitting for 2 cycles in the game.

September 15th: The Orioles don’t lose.

September 16th: Word leaks out that the Orioles were off yesterday.

September 20th: Down 4-3 in the 7th, Hank Steinbrenner gives the Yankees a 3-out deadline to beat the Baltimore Orioles. The Yankees win it in the 9th, but an irate George Steinbrenner fires, re-hires, fires, and re-hires Joe Girardi.

September 21st: The Yankees announce their managerial moves with 4 different press conferences.

September 28th: The Rays end the regular season on Carlos Pena’s game-winning homer to beat the Tigers and clinch the AL Wild Card spot. The Cubs blow an 8-0 9th inning lead against the Brewers and miss the postseason. The Orioles lose their 120th game. The Democratic presidential race is still going on. Yankees fans are still blaming A-Rod for everything. And celebrity photos of Roger Clemens’s 3rd ear falling off are posted online.